The Wounded Ego

In the previous post I posed the duality of the ego and the soul. Within the body of the post I discussed the formation of the ego under normal circumstances; however, so few of us develop under "normal" circumstances. In that our ego is a reflected center, we do not know who we truly are; we simply know what others think about us. And this is the ego: the reflection, what others think. I described how a loving, tender mother can aid in the development of a healthy ego; nonetheless, dysfunctional parents or a non adaptive environment can skew the ego into a discordant reflection. This means that if nobody thinks that he is of any use, nobody appreciates him, nobody smiles, then too an ego is born: an ill ego; sad, rejected, like a wound; feeling inferior, worthless. This too is the ego. This too is a reflection. The ego is an accumulated phenomenon, a by-product of living with others and the more the world grows, the more complex the ego becomes because many others' opinions are reflected.

Is this something that you can relate to? Is this what happened to you? You are not alone though your ego may prefer to have you think differently. We are all wounded. We can all be healed. In my case, I have spent my entire life with a huge chip on my shoulder, angry that I am never appreciated for all that I do. I will go to the ends of the earth for anyone that shows me an ounce of appreciation. Appreciation is my drug. I crave it, I need it... that is until now. Now I understand that is not me but my ego that needs that appreciation, not me.

Another issue that I have been wrestling with all of my life is low self esteem. My ego was conceived to reflect that I have little or no value. Low self esteem is very debilitating. It may be associated with feelings of depression, self harm, eating disorders, and social anxiety. A product of low self esteem is the erosion of self confidence, which can lead to chronic anxiety. To have a low self-esteem corresponds to not feeling ready for life, or to feeling wrong as a person. Essentially, I carry with me the feeling that I am always wrong and not worthy of anything good or nice. Can you see the conflict with my craving appreciation above? I crave appreciation but don't feel worthy enough to accept it. But now I understand that my ill and negative ego is false. My true center, my soul has nothing to do with any of these manufactured issues.

We know that life is a journey and many things change over the course of a journey. In my journey, it is my desire to chip away at and transcend the issues that my ego presents, to get to know and love my soul and thus get closer to God in this lifetime. There are so many scriptural references to the issues that relate to the ego and self esteem and I intend to explore and hopefully post here. Until then, take good care of yourself, make good choices, and God speed.