Abandoning Abandonment

In my quest to get closer to God and to know the Holy Spirit, I've found that the experience is much like reading a book. As information is read and the storyline is comprehended the larger picture starts to develop. When an entire page is read the reader must then decide to turn the page and continue reading. Sometimes the reader is not ready to continue and puts the book down to digest the text and consider the plot. Other times they cannot wait to turn the page to follow along in the storyline. Then there are times when we think we know where the story is leading only to be duped by a plot twist. We never really know what is next to discover until we turn the page and continue reading. I mention this because I have been working on the discovery of my soul and in doing so I have had to continue reading through many twists in the plot that is the storyline of my life. Lately my core has been a little shaky because of some recent discoveries. One of many gifts that God has given me has allowed me to see through a veil that was hiding truths about not only my life, but to the lives of others very close to me to which I was blind. In previous writings I discussed my need for appreciation and how much of that has fallen away, though I must still be guarded in keeping my ego in check. I digested that page in my storyline and then turned the page to discover a twist that was hiding beneath appreciation; it is my fear of abandonment. True to the method of finding the truth only by knowing the lie, I discovered that my perception of my life has been false. The people that I thought had my best interests at heart actually had only their best interests at heart. People that had been trusted to guide me and support me in achieving my best self failed. Therefore, in my development as a person a dark void was created in my psyche that weakened my foundation and subsequent formation into an adult. This empty omission of positive support galvanized an ego scarred with the fear of abandonment, or perhaps I should say the fear of continual abandonment. The same thing that caused me to crave appreciation and search for acceptance was motivated by trying to fill the void of being spiritually and emotionally abandoned. It is a wound that never healed. It is a hole in my person here on earth, that God and the Holy Spirit are helping me fill. How, you may ask? By leading me to my soul. To know, to remember that I was complete when I entered this life and to find my way back to that place. By removing the ego and behind it, finding my authentic self.

I can now say in hindsight that it's that feeling that you get, a knowing in your heart that something isn't right and honoring that feeling until the blinders come off and the truth is revealed. My story is not unique, in fact it is more than likely the common story of life. It is only with God's guidance that I am able to see it in my own life; and only now, after He has prepared me and when He knows that I am able to handle the truth. I am so thankful to God that He has allowed me to experience this hurtful experience wrapped in His grace. I pray that you continue in strength as you search for your authentic self.

God speed.