The Wounded Ego

In the previous post I posed the duality of the ego and the soul. Within the body of the post I discussed the formation of the ego under normal circumstances; however, so few of us develop under "normal" circumstances. In that our ego is a reflected center, we do not know who we truly are; we simply know what others think about us. And this is the ego: the reflection, what others think. I described how a loving, tender mother can aid in the development of a healthy ego; nonetheless, dysfunctional parents or a non adaptive environment can skew the ego into a discordant reflection. This means that if nobody thinks that he is of any use, nobody appreciates him, nobody smiles, then too an ego is born: an ill ego; sad, rejected, like a wound; feeling inferior, worthless. This too is the ego. This too is a reflection. The ego is an accumulated phenomenon, a by-product of living with others and the more the world grows, the more complex the ego becomes because many others' opinions are reflected.

Is this something that you can relate to? Is this what happened to you? You are not alone though your ego may prefer to have you think differently. We are all wounded. We can all be healed. In my case, I have spent my entire life with a huge chip on my shoulder, angry that I am never appreciated for all that I do. I will go to the ends of the earth for anyone that shows me an ounce of appreciation. Appreciation is my drug. I crave it, I need it... that is until now. Now I understand that is not me but my ego that needs that appreciation, not me.

Another issue that I have been wrestling with all of my life is low self esteem. My ego was conceived to reflect that I have little or no value. Low self esteem is very debilitating. It may be associated with feelings of depression, self harm, eating disorders, and social anxiety. A product of low self esteem is the erosion of self confidence, which can lead to chronic anxiety. To have a low self-esteem corresponds to not feeling ready for life, or to feeling wrong as a person. Essentially, I carry with me the feeling that I am always wrong and not worthy of anything good or nice. Can you see the conflict with my craving appreciation above? I crave appreciation but don't feel worthy enough to accept it. But now I understand that my ill and negative ego is false. My true center, my soul has nothing to do with any of these manufactured issues.

We know that life is a journey and many things change over the course of a journey. In my journey, it is my desire to chip away at and transcend the issues that my ego presents, to get to know and love my soul and thus get closer to God in this lifetime. There are so many scriptural references to the issues that relate to the ego and self esteem and I intend to explore and hopefully post here. Until then, take good care of yourself, make good choices, and God speed.

God, Ego, and the Devil

I have spent years trying to find the answer to a question; "What is the difference between our soul and our spirit?" The Spirit is well documented, and a much written upon and peached upon topic. The soul however is a little more elusive a topic. This is because it is hidden. Where you might ask? Answer: behind the ego.

After reading volumes of information I stumbled across a website cited below that explains the splendid, treacherous trick. To begin, birth means the emergence of a baby from the body of its mother; the start of life as a physically separate being. Genesis 2:7 states, "And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." So we are born into this world, the world of the outside. A newborn baby has a soul, is a soul, but does not have an ego. A baby is born without any knowledge, any consciousness of his own self. The first thing he becomes aware of is not himself, but of the other. It is natural, because the eyes open outwards, the hands touch others, the ears listen to others, the tongue tastes food and the nose smells the outside. All of these senses open outward. The child becomes aware of the mother first. Then, by and by, he becomes aware of his own body. That too is the other, that too belongs to the world. He is hungry and he feels the body; his need is satisfied, he forgets the body. This awareness is a reflected awareness. He is not aware of who he is, he is simply aware of the mother and her reaction to him. If she smiles, if she appreciates the child, if she coos, "You are beautiful," if she hugs and kisses him, the child feels good about himself. Now an ego is born. Through appreciation, love, care, he feels he is good, he feels he is valuable, he feels he has some significance. A center is born. But this center is a reflected center. It is not his real being, he does not know who he is; he simply knows what others think about him. And this is the ego: the reflection, what others think; a false center.

The ego functions to benefit the good of the society. Everyone is adding to your ego all the time, and everybody is trying to modify it in such a way that you don't become a problem to the society. Society is concerned with itself, not you as an individual. They, the society, are not concerned that you should know thy self. They are concerned that you should become an efficient part in the mechanism of the society. You should fit into the pattern. So they are trying to give you an ego that fits with the society. Because the ego is a false center created by society it can be controlled and manipulated. Conversely, the soul can never be controlled or manipulated. So at this stage the child is completely unaware of his own center and is now unknowingly convinced that the center given to him by society is true.

If you recall, God breathed life into you and you became a living soul. So you were already born with a center before the ego arrived. Therefore you have two centers. One center, which is given by existence itself; that is the self, the soul. And the other center, which is created by the society, is the ego. The original center, your soul, will always be there waiting for you to discover it. It is your true center, your true self. As mentioned earlier, it cannot be manipulated or controlled. Yet it can only be found by seeing the false, so this makes the ego a necessity. The real can be known only through the illusion. One has to pass through it. You cannot know the truth directly. First you have to know that which is not true. First you have to encounter the untrue. Through that encounter you become capable of knowing the truth. If you know the false as the false, truth will dawn upon you.

God created it all, the living soul and the ego. Ego is a need; it is a social need, it is a social by-product. Genesis 1:27, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." So within the bible, what else do we know as a false center? Satan, the Devil. Could not all of the statements about the ego also apply to the Devil? Metaphorically, the Devil is the ego of mankind. Perhaps we come to know Christ only after knowing the misery of living under the rule of Satan, the one that we know as the false center. Recently, I overheard the question of why Jesus spoke in parables. Essentially, my answer would have been because without discernment, one cannot know the truth directly. Jesus knows His soul, His center as King and He does not owe the truth to any man. Jesus received His guidance from the Father and delivers the Truth as a great blessing. Matthew 11:25, "At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes." The disciples asked Jesus for an answer as seen in Matthew 13: 10 - 13, "And the disciples came, and said unto him, Why speakest thou unto them in parables? He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand." He also repeated what he had declared earlier, "For verily I say unto you, That many prophets and righteous men have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them." (Matt. 13:17)

It's my assertion that Jesus's message was complex and multi-leveled because understanding that sometimes we can only find the truth by understanding the false is not easy; it is not for everyone, which is built into the design. This is but one step in a journey, but I pray that it inspires you to seek knowledge, keep yourself open, and to retain a teachable spirit.

God speed!

References:
Bible: King James Version
Ego - The False Center, From Beyond the Frontier of the Mind by Osho http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm - This website will give you the information one needs to learn how to recognize the ego and discover the self center, the soul.