The Best Gift

I received the best gift today! I was listening to a podcast of This American Life (episode #207) and there was a story about a mother and son. She told their story about how her son was born with several disabilities and how she had to deal with them. Within the story the mother interviewed her son and you can hear his sweet young voice articulate his perception of things. By age seven, he'd had heart failure and been diagnosed as bipolar that lead to a very dark and destructive existence. His mother eventually got him on some medication that changed and improved both of their lives. She described how over a short time a sweet, nice boy emerged from within; the marvelous little boy we hear on the podcast. As a parent, though my children were healthy and well adjusted, I could relate to some of the issues that the mother talked about. We all know that there are certain struggles and issues that are universal to mankind and we can easily identify with someone that is facing them  because they have to, there's no alternative. Then it happened, within the story the mother paused and made this statement.

"When I was doing these interviews with him I realized something about him that I hadn't seen before, which is all those hearts and bunnies and rainbows that he talks about all the time, its not because he's silly. It's because he's been through more pain and powerlessness than most people ever will in their whole life. I think he took all that information about life about what it means and what it means for him to be alive and he made an informed decision that he's gonna be happy with the good parts of life and he's gonna spread them around. I think that he knows something about hearts and bunnies, and rainbows. He's not like Forrest Gump, you know, it all came out of something very hard. And he has a very strong will."

Thank you God! I felt like angels had grabbed me under each arm and lifted me off of the ground! What this wonderful mother, this insightful soul said about her son was the answer to what I've been struggling with! I have always been an optimist and have always wanted to see the best in everyone and spread my joy and optimism with everyone I meet. I have been accused of being a dreamer, and too nice. But too often my goodheartedness gets quickly kicked to the curb and my optimism is quashed by the sarcastic pessimism of others. I am always walking away wondering what's wrong with me and why I don't learn my lesson and not be so congenial and gregarious. Well, it's because I have come from a hard place of pain and powerlessness and back when I was a little boy I made an informed decision that I'm going to be happy with the good parts of life and I'm gonna spread them around! Thanks to the little boy in the story and his incredible mother, after fifty years I now know my motivations! I just want to be happy in life and I prefer that everyone around me is happy. At fifty I know that I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness but my own. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be amiable and helpful to others.

My one regret is that the woman who is the mother in this true story wanted to remain anonymous. I was so hoping to write to her and thank her and her son for the best gift. Maybe some day that will happen so for now all I can do is to pay it forward. This will be made easier riding on angels' wings.

God speed!

What Is Love

I have to write this to do nothing more than to get it off of my chest. In my never ending quest of looking inward I've had an epiphany of sorts and it is for my own good to step thru the door and see where it leads. On a personal level I always thought that I knew what love was. And for the most part I think that I understand it. But I now understand that my idea of love, and my feelings of love are mine and only mine. Somewhere in my development I misinterpreted the idea that everyone was feeling the same thing that I was; that we all have the same idea of love. To qualify my idea of love, I am a romantic. I am a dreamer and I dream of romance. I believe every love song that I hear as if it's angels whispering in my ears and I desire to live out each one. I believe in happy endings and each one leaves an afterglow of love and warmth in my heart and then the thrill of the next event of falling into love. In my perfect world I love everyone and everyone loves me the same way that I love them (see the Golden Rule). And within my idea of love, love is to be shared all the time, 24/7/365; no time off. Also within my idea of love it should manifest itself in action because to me, how would one know they are loved if they are not shown that they are loved. To me love in action is to spend time, all the time that I can with my loved ones. I like to be in their company, all the time. I like to do things with them, whatever that may be. It is not the event that matters, it's the time spent together. When I love someone I put them above myself. My loyalty and devotion that I equate with my level of love is similar to that of man's best friend, a dog; it's funny but true. Think about it; a dog is always happy to see you, glad to go where you go and just hang out with you all day long. I gladly sacrifice anything that I may want to do to hangout with someone that I love and spend my time with them because that makes me happy. 

The epiphany or realization that I have come to understand as alluded to above is that this is only my experience. I was under the assumption that my loved ones were thinking the same way. In other words, their perception of love and its manifestation were the same as mine. I now understand that my type of love is obsessive, smothering and not at a level that is accomplished by most folks. You see, I had always thought that if my loved ones weren't spending time with me and taking an interest in my thoughts and activities, it meant that they didn't love me.

Let me digress here for a moment and state that I do understand and have always understood that there is a difference between love and like. And more often then not when it comes to family, we can love one another but not like one another. For example, my parents love me but they may not like my lifestyle. Sometimes it's nothing more than a conflict in personality; we love each other but we just can't understand one another's ways. So each relationship has it's limits. And this is the same with love because we all have a different idea of what love is. To me, there is nothing less than 100% of my time and attention devoted to the ones I love. I have no doubt that most people feel the same way but as I've stated above, I've come to realize that my 100% is different than your 100%.

I recently saw a picture of the person that I love the most and she was a teenager. She had a bright glow on her beautiful young face, a broad smile the could light up a room and sparkling, innocent eyes and all that I could think of is how could anyone not love that girl. Then it occurred to me that at the time that the photo was taken she was becoming an independent young lady; an adult full of hopes and dreams, the world laid out in front of her. She has her own interests, her own likes and dislikes, and her own idea of love. It was then that I realized that after all of these years, her idea of love is different than mine because we are different people. I mean, I always kind of knew that, but either I was in denial and couldn't face it or I wasn't developed enough to truly have it sink into my psyche. Anyway, when I began dating her and getting to know her, all of my attention was given to the things that we had in common. I wanted her to love me so I found out what she liked and then took an interest in those things. I found out what she didn't like and made a concerted effort to take her side in understanding why and assisted her in avoiding them. I concentrated on the characteristics that I liked most about her and focused only on them. It was easy because I was (and still am) in love. My desire was to be her complete idea of her best companion so that she would hold onto me; she would choose me to be her life long companion. I wanted to take care of her, to protect her from an ugly world, and to make her happy. I was also under the impression that she was feeling and thinking all of the same things about me in all the same ways. That sounds crazy right? Of course; she's a completely different person. She has her own ideas and experiences and was raised in a different environment, i.e. family dynamic. Yes, she loves me in her own way. Before her I was learning about my idea of love with my friends. I still have the same feelings of love for my best friend that I had as a kid though so much has changed. We've grown to be two independent men living miles apart with different lifestyles. When we were kids we were inseparable. Why? Because I was constantly chasing him down and tagging along side of him. If it had been left to him to spend time with me, he may have not found the time or been so inclined meaning that we probably wouldn't have done as much together. Perhaps with less interaction we wouldn't have even been best friends. It's interesting to look at it from that perspective. In any regard I have repeated this crazy pattern over and over again with every relationship. I go above and beyond to spend time with people, feeling as though I'm almost chasing after them which is seldom if ever reciprocated, and then when it isn't I am hurt. I believed in the Golden Rule and to my detriment thought that everyone else did to. I believed that everyone would treat me the way that I treated them. I believed that I wouldn't have to chase people down or look them up because they would be coming to see me all the time. And that's the rub; I know see that we all have subliminal rules in our heads that were planted there by one form or fashion and when someone is breaking our rules we're annoyed. We feel resentment towards the ones we love because they are not doing as we think they should. But they don't know our rules unless they care enough to ask and they won't abide by our rules unless they want to for our happiness.

Had I been more balanced in my life I wouldn't have had to be so clingy and therefore the relationships with my friends would have certainly turned out differently. I fall for the love songs because it is in my nature to do so. I now know that I created the lofty ideas of love in my mind and held everyone to my high standard. I have no regrets because I've loved everyone to the best of my ability. But it is time to give myself a gift; a birthday gift of sorts because it is the beginning of a new life. I am not chasing down anyone anymore. I'll be friendly to those people that are friendly to me. And within this gift I am giving back to the ones I love by giving them the space they deserve to pursue their likes and interests without my input or company; unless of course they ask for it. 

As an aside to this, in contemplation of all of this it occurred to me; this type of love that I carry so easily in my heart can easily be applied to and perhaps only reciprocated by God.  We often hear of how we should love God with all of our heart and with all of our mind. If you have the natural capacity to love someone, to put them above yourself and have dogged loyalty and devotion then it's easy to sacrifice anything to hangout with that someone because that makes you happy. In actuality there is no sacrifice in it at all because there is nothing you'd rather do. It's a rare thing. The best part is that only God will love you back by honoring the Golden Rule because He made it up.

God speed

Abandoning Abandonment

In my quest to get closer to God and to know the Holy Spirit, I've found that the experience is much like reading a book. As information is read and the storyline is comprehended the larger picture starts to develop. When an entire page is read the reader must then decide to turn the page and continue reading. Sometimes the reader is not ready to continue and puts the book down to digest the text and consider the plot. Other times they cannot wait to turn the page to follow along in the storyline. Then there are times when we think we know where the story is leading only to be duped by a plot twist. We never really know what is next to discover until we turn the page and continue reading. I mention this because I have been working on the discovery of my soul and in doing so I have had to continue reading through many twists in the plot that is the storyline of my life. Lately my core has been a little shaky because of some recent discoveries. One of many gifts that God has given me has allowed me to see through a veil that was hiding truths about not only my life, but to the lives of others very close to me to which I was blind. In previous writings I discussed my need for appreciation and how much of that has fallen away, though I must still be guarded in keeping my ego in check. I digested that page in my storyline and then turned the page to discover a twist that was hiding beneath appreciation; it is my fear of abandonment. True to the method of finding the truth only by knowing the lie, I discovered that my perception of my life has been false. The people that I thought had my best interests at heart actually had only their best interests at heart. People that had been trusted to guide me and support me in achieving my best self failed. Therefore, in my development as a person a dark void was created in my psyche that weakened my foundation and subsequent formation into an adult. This empty omission of positive support galvanized an ego scarred with the fear of abandonment, or perhaps I should say the fear of continual abandonment. The same thing that caused me to crave appreciation and search for acceptance was motivated by trying to fill the void of being spiritually and emotionally abandoned. It is a wound that never healed. It is a hole in my person here on earth, that God and the Holy Spirit are helping me fill. How, you may ask? By leading me to my soul. To know, to remember that I was complete when I entered this life and to find my way back to that place. By removing the ego and behind it, finding my authentic self.

I can now say in hindsight that it's that feeling that you get, a knowing in your heart that something isn't right and honoring that feeling until the blinders come off and the truth is revealed. My story is not unique, in fact it is more than likely the common story of life. It is only with God's guidance that I am able to see it in my own life; and only now, after He has prepared me and when He knows that I am able to handle the truth. I am so thankful to God that He has allowed me to experience this hurtful experience wrapped in His grace. I pray that you continue in strength as you search for your authentic self.

God speed.

The Big Questions

A friend of mine recently asked one of the big universal questions; is there really someone watching over us? Of course I answered yes. Knowing that I write this blog would make that obvious. Yet when these questions arrive the first thing that I know is not only is God watching over us, but he is in us. It's comforting to me to know that He is watching over me. It gives me confidence that He is in my heart guiding me if I choose to follow. When people ask the big questions, I think that they know the answers in their hearts but are fighting with the concepts in their minds. If you're asking the questions then there is something inside of you that is looking for guidance. But we may not want to go in the direction that it is leading us. For example, we may have to change our bad behavior. Once we know that other concepts exist we can no longer use ignorance as an excuse for bad behavior. You are being a jerk even though you know better. So knock it off. It is selfish behavior and will only result in hurting others. That is not an acceptable purpose for your life. There are too many hurt people walking around that need your help; they need loving kindness. This life is bigger than you. Have some guts to follow your heart and be guided by the goodness of the spirit in you.

God speed!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! On this glorious Easter Day I have the comfort of God with me. Let me tell you why that is. For starters, I was driving home very late at night into the early morning hours of Good Friday. The moon was full and I could see deep into the moonlit trees the lined the miles of highway. If you have experienced the illumination of a rural setting on a full moon night, then you know how magical it feels. Other than admiring its beauty and being thankful for the moon's assistance in my safe travels I didn't think much more about it. After all I had arrived home safely and went on about my business. Then I learned that Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox.When the spring equinox comes, daytime grows longer than night. When the moon is full, it rises in the East at the same time the sun sets in the West. So there is never a moment when either the sun or the full moon is not shining in the heavens. Isn't that a beautiful metaphor for Jesus Christ, the light of our Lord. He guides us with his light, making it easier to see into the dark shadows casting out fear.

Also, I have been through a number of trials recently and the common denominator has been rejection. And yet, with every instance of worldly disappointment comes a crack of light, an internal warmth of comfort that I am not alone. The Holy Spirit, God's Spirit lives in me! Is there anything better than the knowing in our heart and mind that we are not alone? There is someone there to share our burdens, someone that knows our soul so we don't have to put on a facade, we can just release the ego and be ourselves. In God's love we can always be redeemed. We can strip away the parts of us that we've broken and start anew; over and over again.

When you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit of God makes His home inside of you. That’s the same Spirit, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. That resurrection power can bring health, strength and life to your physical body, and it can bring life to your hopes and dreams. In fact, it can bring life to any area that may seem dormant on the inside of you. God has resurrection power for you today! Receive it and walk in His victory this Easter and forevermore.

Rumination

In the continuing saga of confronting my ego, I would like to share my enlightenment and in doing so I hope that it inspires you to wonder and consider yourself. Since I began this quest I have had periods of lapse where I get mired in the world and my own daily issues to overcome. These outside influences are distractions for inner examination. However, they are also an opportunity to exam the ego in action. Once this is recognized, the issues quickly dissolve and the inner enlightenment gets brighter; just as it's supposed to happen. The other day, this happened to me and I noticed that in observing my ego, there is an inner voice that speaks to me. I have noticed it right along, but on this day, I noticed that since I have been observing my ego that it is always present. Originally I thought that it was the Holy Spirit. Then lately, I was considering it to be my true self, my soul, my spirit man. And yet I somehow know that they are both, but I don't know enough yet. Stay tuned…

Yet here is a cool thing that I encountered. I recently heard an interview on "On Being", a podcast that was focused on the poet, theologian, and philosopher Rumi. After listening to it I was inspired to go get a book on Rumi so I went to Barnes & Noble and found one. There was only one and I picked it up and leafed through it. I read a poem that talked about the duality within us were we and God live. These two are vying for the same place and we can die to give way to the other; guess what, God is omnipresent and eternal and cannot die. Of course, the dying we do is the banishing of the ego and I am so thankful to be at this place in my life. I am also blessed to be living in an era when I can share this with anyone in the world that is interested enough to seek it out. Thank you for you.

God speed!

An Atheist

I recently heard a self proclaimed atheist declare that their sense of wonder is greater than that of a believer because believing in God puts limits on things. They went on to expound that the rejection of limits was why they were an atheist. But for me, the atheist is missing the point. What they see as limits, I see as structure. Without structure there is chaos and I've lived a messy life of chaos. It isn't for me. The reason I have faith and the reason I believe in the God is because that structure has improved my life. I like having a guiding light. I like having a moral conscience. Besides, I am only limited by my God given imagination, just like an atheist.

God speed!