Abandoning Abandonment

In my quest to get closer to God and to know the Holy Spirit, I've found that the experience is much like reading a book. As information is read and the storyline is comprehended the larger picture starts to develop. When an entire page is read the reader must then decide to turn the page and continue reading. Sometimes the reader is not ready to continue and puts the book down to digest the text and consider the plot. Other times they cannot wait to turn the page to follow along in the storyline. Then there are times when we think we know where the story is leading only to be duped by a plot twist. We never really know what is next to discover until we turn the page and continue reading. I mention this because I have been working on the discovery of my soul and in doing so I have had to continue reading through many twists in the plot that is the storyline of my life. Lately my core has been a little shaky because of some recent discoveries. One of many gifts that God has given me has allowed me to see through a veil that was hiding truths about not only my life, but to the lives of others very close to me to which I was blind. In previous writings I discussed my need for appreciation and how much of that has fallen away, though I must still be guarded in keeping my ego in check. I digested that page in my storyline and then turned the page to discover a twist that was hiding beneath appreciation; it is my fear of abandonment. True to the method of finding the truth only by knowing the lie, I discovered that my perception of my life has been false. The people that I thought had my best interests at heart actually had only their best interests at heart. People that had been trusted to guide me and support me in achieving my best self failed. Therefore, in my development as a person a dark void was created in my psyche that weakened my foundation and subsequent formation into an adult. This empty omission of positive support galvanized an ego scarred with the fear of abandonment, or perhaps I should say the fear of continual abandonment. The same thing that caused me to crave appreciation and search for acceptance was motivated by trying to fill the void of being spiritually and emotionally abandoned. It is a wound that never healed. It is a hole in my person here on earth, that God and the Holy Spirit are helping me fill. How, you may ask? By leading me to my soul. To know, to remember that I was complete when I entered this life and to find my way back to that place. By removing the ego and behind it, finding my authentic self.

I can now say in hindsight that it's that feeling that you get, a knowing in your heart that something isn't right and honoring that feeling until the blinders come off and the truth is revealed. My story is not unique, in fact it is more than likely the common story of life. It is only with God's guidance that I am able to see it in my own life; and only now, after He has prepared me and when He knows that I am able to handle the truth. I am so thankful to God that He has allowed me to experience this hurtful experience wrapped in His grace. I pray that you continue in strength as you search for your authentic self.

God speed.

The Big Questions

A friend of mine recently asked one of the big universal questions; is there really someone watching over us? Of course I answered yes. Knowing that I write this blog would make that obvious. Yet when these questions arrive the first thing that I know is not only is God watching over us, but he is in us. It's comforting to me to know that He is watching over me. It gives me confidence that He is in my heart guiding me if I choose to follow. When people ask the big questions, I think that they know the answers in their hearts but are fighting with the concepts in their minds. If you're asking the questions then there is something inside of you that is looking for guidance. But we may not want to go in the direction that it is leading us. For example, we may have to change our bad behavior. Once we know that other concepts exist we can no longer use ignorance as an excuse for bad behavior. You are being a jerk even though you know better. So knock it off. It is selfish behavior and will only result in hurting others. That is not an acceptable purpose for your life. There are too many hurt people walking around that need your help; they need loving kindness. This life is bigger than you. Have some guts to follow your heart and be guided by the goodness of the spirit in you.

God speed!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! On this glorious Easter Day I have the comfort of God with me. Let me tell you why that is. For starters, I was driving home very late at night into the early morning hours of Good Friday. The moon was full and I could see deep into the moonlit trees the lined the miles of highway. If you have experienced the illumination of a rural setting on a full moon night, then you know how magical it feels. Other than admiring its beauty and being thankful for the moon's assistance in my safe travels I didn't think much more about it. After all I had arrived home safely and went on about my business. Then I learned that Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox.When the spring equinox comes, daytime grows longer than night. When the moon is full, it rises in the East at the same time the sun sets in the West. So there is never a moment when either the sun or the full moon is not shining in the heavens. Isn't that a beautiful metaphor for Jesus Christ, the light of our Lord. He guides us with his light, making it easier to see into the dark shadows casting out fear.

Also, I have been through a number of trials recently and the common denominator has been rejection. And yet, with every instance of worldly disappointment comes a crack of light, an internal warmth of comfort that I am not alone. The Holy Spirit, God's Spirit lives in me! Is there anything better than the knowing in our heart and mind that we are not alone? There is someone there to share our burdens, someone that knows our soul so we don't have to put on a facade, we can just release the ego and be ourselves. In God's love we can always be redeemed. We can strip away the parts of us that we've broken and start anew; over and over again.

When you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit of God makes His home inside of you. That’s the same Spirit, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. That resurrection power can bring health, strength and life to your physical body, and it can bring life to your hopes and dreams. In fact, it can bring life to any area that may seem dormant on the inside of you. God has resurrection power for you today! Receive it and walk in His victory this Easter and forevermore.

Rumination

In the continuing saga of confronting my ego, I would like to share my enlightenment and in doing so I hope that it inspires you to wonder and consider yourself. Since I began this quest I have had periods of lapse where I get mired in the world and my own daily issues to overcome. These outside influences are distractions for inner examination. However, they are also an opportunity to exam the ego in action. Once this is recognized, the issues quickly dissolve and the inner enlightenment gets brighter; just as it's supposed to happen. The other day, this happened to me and I noticed that in observing my ego, there is an inner voice that speaks to me. I have noticed it right along, but on this day, I noticed that since I have been observing my ego that it is always present. Originally I thought that it was the Holy Spirit. Then lately, I was considering it to be my true self, my soul, my spirit man. And yet I somehow know that they are both, but I don't know enough yet. Stay tuned…

Yet here is a cool thing that I encountered. I recently heard an interview on "On Being", a podcast that was focused on the poet, theologian, and philosopher Rumi. After listening to it I was inspired to go get a book on Rumi so I went to Barnes & Noble and found one. There was only one and I picked it up and leafed through it. I read a poem that talked about the duality within us were we and God live. These two are vying for the same place and we can die to give way to the other; guess what, God is omnipresent and eternal and cannot die. Of course, the dying we do is the banishing of the ego and I am so thankful to be at this place in my life. I am also blessed to be living in an era when I can share this with anyone in the world that is interested enough to seek it out. Thank you for you.

God speed!

An Atheist

I recently heard a self proclaimed atheist declare that their sense of wonder is greater than that of a believer because believing in God puts limits on things. They went on to expound that the rejection of limits was why they were an atheist. But for me, the atheist is missing the point. What they see as limits, I see as structure. Without structure there is chaos and I've lived a messy life of chaos. It isn't for me. The reason I have faith and the reason I believe in the God is because that structure has improved my life. I like having a guiding light. I like having a moral conscience. Besides, I am only limited by my God given imagination, just like an atheist.

God speed!

An Illogical Truth

As spirits in a physical body, we use concepts to anchor our psyche in this world such as love and truth. Depending on individual personality and social environment, these concepts are arbitrary to the strength in which we apply them, but we need something to hang our hat on. We need guideposts to find our way as we navigate our way through society. We all have a perception of what we believe as true and in this age of science and mental acuity, our ability to witness and reason is generally what we use to discern the truth. In other words, if it's logical, if it makes sense then it must be true. However not all truths are based in our logic, they just don't make sense to us here on earth. For instance, a person that chooses to drink alcohol and thus become an alcoholic has increased the complexity of functioning as a member of society. It isn't logical to be an alcoholic, making life in general more difficult but the truth is that they are an alcoholic. An argument could be made that no one chooses to be an alcoholic, but is there anyone that doesn't know the risk when they choose to drink? The practice of this concept ties into faith of course, but in my understanding I am working hard at grasping this so that it is second nature. Our human experience is constantly challenging us to ask, "How can I believe in what I cannot see?" The quick answer is usually, "You believe in air, don't you." But that is backed by scientific discovery and evidence. The witnessing of my ego and the discovery of my soul is beyond our earthly concepts and logic. So I will happily and excited continue on my journey; letting go of conventions and discovering new concepts of truth and love.

God speed

A Marked Improvement

When we are on a journey, especially one of learning, we are usually too busy trying to make our way to notice how far we've come. Then an event will happen and it gives us cause to pause and we have a moment to look at where we are in our journey and then realize the progress that we've made. I experience this all the time but the other day I was getting that old feeling of needing some appreciation that never came. I didn't get all bent out of shape and then I caught myself and realized that that isn't me, it is my ego. Now in this moment I was not celebrating my victory, my mind was still mired in reconciling my ego against my true self. I got side tracked and busy with other things and forgot about it. The next day I had much better clarity about it and on this day I was able to separate my emotions from my thoughts and look at things objectively. I realized that I didn't need the appreciation and moved on. Now that is a victory because the old me would have stewed on that, on not receiving a word of appreciation until it erupted in passive aggressiveness or anger. God speed!